Valentine (2001)

Directed by: Jamie Blanks

Starring: Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel and Katherine Heigl

Genre: Horror, Slasher

Rated: R

After Shelley, a pretty young medical student, is brutally murdered, her friends from Junior High begin receiving perverse Valentine’s Day cards. As the girls try to figure out who may be behind the creepy cards and Shelley’s murder, the killer continues to stalk, and any of them could be next.

This film is just one of the many “hip,” self-aware slasher clones that spawned from Scream, yet I have a soft spot for such flicks. These clones were my introduction to horror culture, coming out just around the time I was old enough to start watching my soon-to-be favorite genre. No matter how poorly they were received, or made, I can still find some good qualities in them.

For instance, Valentine isn’t a great movie by any means, but I find it entertaining. The story is a generic slasher plot and the characters aren’t really that likable, but it does have its good points. The cherub mask that the killer wears is creepy and some of the death scenes are pretty inventive – my favorite involving the hot tub. I also liked that the deaths were linked to things the girls said or did in the beginning of the film, for example, “I’d rather be boiled alive.” It is a clever use of foreshadowing that I find fun.

The acting has its ups and downs. I don’t really find Marley Shelton to be a strong enough actress to carry the film. She plays sweet and innocent well, but lacks the strength to be believable as the film’s heroine. Denise Richards didn’t really have to stretch too much to play Paige, either, as Paige is all about being sexy and sultry, and that’s what Denise is. I wish Katherine Heigl could have been utilized more, as I generally enjoy her work. Out of all the girls, Jessica Capshaw was the only one who really seemed to bring her character to life. Dorothy is the least likable and most developed female character, with her self-esteem issues, jealousy, and anger at the world. David Boreanaz is as charming as ever as Adam, making girls swoon with his adoration for Kate. (Although why he loves her so much is a mystery, she’s sweet, but she’s bland.)

I did like that the girls all seemed to be very confident women and didn’t let guys treat them like garbage. Well, all except for Dorothy, anyway. Kate keeps Adam at a distance due to his drinking, Lily bails on her man when he proves unfaithful, and Paige “takes care of” a guy who disrespects her, in a rather unpleasant manner. These girls may be one- dimensional, but they have self-respect, which is nice to see.

What this film tried to do, and failed at, was create a twist ending the viewer cannot see coming. It’s obvious very early on who the killer really is. While the reveal is a crafty construction by the actual killer, the audience isn’t going to fall for it. I do, however, like how subtle the twist is, happening right before the credits. If you blink, you may miss it.

There are also little bothersome things that leave me with questions. How did the killer drop the rose by the hot tub without being noticed? How many people have access to Kate’s apartment? It seems like everyone and their brother is always creeping about in there. What was the relevance of Kate’s water not working? What happened to Brian?

Overall, it’s not a well-made film, or well-written, but it is entertaining, and it does have its moments.

5.5/10

Cougars, Inc. (2011)

Directed by: K. Asher Levin

Starring: Kyle Gallner, Kathryn Morris, Denise Richards, Sarah Hyland and James Belushi

Genre: Drama, Comedy

Rated: R

Having been expelled from many private high schools in his four-year-career, Sam (Gallner) finally finds himself at one he enjoys. He has a fun group of friends and a “cool” headmaster. When Sam discovers that his mother can no longer pay his tuition, he is quite upset. After meeting an older woman in a bar and winding up in bed with her, Sam and his friends come up with a plan to keep him in school by creating an escort service and prostituting themselves to older women.

This film was mediocre at best. It is not my usual choice of film to begin with, but I decided to give it a shot because of Kyle Gallner playing the lead. Oh, Kyle, this crap is beneath your acting abilities. What are you doing?

Gallner’s performance is honestly the only thing this film has going for it. The other actors do their best with what they have, but their characters are so one-dimensional it really doesn’t matter. Kathryn Morris is great when she is on the screen as well, but the story is obviously centered around Sam, his friends, and Dan, the headmaster (Belushi).

The storyline could have been believable, but the writing was poorly executed. The film is supposed to depict the struggles Sam encounters as he tries to balance his business with his real life, and not allow the two to intermix. This would have been a lot easier to follow if Sam was a sympathetic character from the beginning, but he’s not. He claims all of his past expulsions were part of a string of bad luck, he’s a victim of circumstance, nothing is his fault. Somehow, the headmaster agrees with him and takes him under his wing, not even getting mad at Sam when he has every right to be. The women are all interchangeable – each one has a similar story, each one is gorgeous and willing to hop into bed with the nearest eighteen-year-old boy, no matter how nerdy looking he is. Give me a break; women like Kathryn Morris and Denise Richards could have any man they wanted, why would they select an average looking high school senior? It also irritated me that there was no positive adult female character. All the mothers in this film were depicted as laughable and practically unfit, running around with young boys and encouraging underage drinking. The dialogue also seemed forced in a lot of places, attempting to be hip and with this generation, but failing. 

The camera work was awful as well. There were times when the camera was obviously shaking when there was no need for it. As I was watching the film, I was thinking, “Has the filmmaker never heard of a tripod?” Seriously, a tripod and a dolly would have solved many of the film’s aesthetic issues.  Apparently the director was going for a “realistic” vibe, but all I got from his style was amateur, inexperienced, and shoddy.

Overall, the film was pretty bad, and beneath many of the cast members’ actual talents. Gallner, Morris and Richards are all above this inane flick. The characters are shallow, the dialogue forced and the camera work poor.

4.5/10