Spread (2009)

 

Directed by: David Mackenzie

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, Margarita Levieva, Sebastian Stan and Ashley Johnson

Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance

Rated: R

Nikki is a womanizing playboy sleeping his way through LA. An attractive man in his late twenties to early thirties, he lives out of a backpack, seducing older, successful women in order to find a place to stay. The film follows him and his current conquest, Samantha, a beautiful, wealthy attorney with a mansion and a Mercedes. He quickly wins her over at a club and worms his way into being her kept boy, living in her house, spending her money, and cheating on her whenever she’s not around. It isn’t until he meets Heather, a waitress that rebuffs his attempts to woo her, that he decides he might want something more. Can he change his womanizing ways and get the girl or is there more to Heather than he expected?

Ugh, the shit I will subject myself to when I really like an actor – I will literally watch anything that person is in. 

Damn it, Sebastian!

I was bored, it was late at night, and this was free on Tubi, so I figured ‘what the hell? Could be okay.’ It wasn’t.

Ashton Kutcher leads the film as Nikki and I honestly didn’t find him that believable. He is objectively attractive but his charms and the voice he chose to use for Nikki don’t work for me. (Someone on IMDb described his voice as a Lifetime movie drug addict, and yeah, that’s accurate.) However, I’m not sure another actor could do much better considering how Nikki is written. The actors can only do so much with the script and direction they’re given.

It doesn’t help Nikki’s likeability factor that he narrates the film so the audience is in his head hearing whatever insipid thought and Pick Up Artist bullshit he comes up with. He’s such an arrogant asshole throughout 75 – 80% of the movie. He treats women as disposable sex toys and his one true friend like his personal assistant. I don’t see how he has so many women falling all over themselves to be with him or how he’s gotten away with literally treating everyone so poorly, when almost everyone he encounters is a better, more successful person than him.

Nikki is a hobosexual in designer clothes with a supposedly silver tongue and he's annoying as hell. By the time his world begins crashing around him, I was giddy at the thought of him finally getting his comeuppance. The attempt at a redemption arc is weak because it feels forced – the first half of the film gives no indications that Nikki would ever want to give up his lifestyle. He does because he runs out of options.

Anne Heche’s Samantha seems way too smart to fall for Nikki’s advances. She tries to get away from him more than once, but I guess she finds his persistence charming and endearing rather than irritating and creepy. He wins her over in a matter of minutes and she takes him home where they have lots of sex and he explains in a voiceover how he works his way into staying with these women long term. I don’t find it realistic that a woman like Samantha would be so easily duped. The story leans heavily on the idea that Samantha is very insecure and Nikki definitely takes advantage of that, using her feelings for him and her insecurities against her whenever he gets caught doing something shitty. After she catches him cheating, they fight then have make up sex, and she continues to let him stay. At that point I stated out loud to my empty living room, “The dick can’t be that fucking good! Kick his ass out!” She even gets vaginal reconstruction surgery to “tighten her up” down there – I guess she thinks he prefers the younger women he cheats with because they are tighter? 

He cheats because he’s an asshole using you for your money. He doesn’t respect you and definitely doesn’t love you.

The somewhat pathetic actions of this character contrast with the way Heche plays her. Heche gives her a strong, confident air that gives the impression she doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit. Nothing in what she says or the way she carries herself as the character would indicate any weakness or self doubt. She made Samantha feel like an actual person when the script didn’t call for her to do something ridiculous like jump the bones of the man she just caught cheating or get vaginal reconstruction surgery out of nowhere. Samantha deserves better.

Eating lunch in a diner, Nikki’s wandering eye lands on Heather, his waitress who is very unimpressed with his efforts to flirt with her. She continues to impress him by thwarting all of his usual techniques. At first I thought she was messing with him, giving him a taste of his own medicine since he wouldn’t take no for an answer and leave her the hell alone. Sadly, that is not the case. The two do engage in a whirlwind romance, despite him being creepily pushy and, on the night it seems like he’s getting what he wanted, calling her a whore because he thinks she has a boyfriend and kicking her out of Samantha’s house. Hypocrite, much?

The Only Appropriate Response to Nikki ... Ever

Margarita Levieva brings charm and sass to the role of Heather. She gives Heather an assertive exterior, one that isn’t easily ruffled by weak pick up lines and cheap tactics. She’s fun at first, but she has her share of secrets too, secrets that push her and Nikki closer together. Levieva also breaks this façade to show vulnerability when the occasion calls for it. The issue is there isn’t much chemistry between her and Ashton Kutcher. That on top of his character being an absolute dickhead really makes it hard to root for them as a couple.

The character that gets screwed over the most is Harry, Nikki’s best friend, loyal to a fault and treated like shit. Anything Nikki wants, Harry will do. You need me to drive this drunk ex fling home so she won’t talk to the other girls you’re trying to hook up with? Fine. You need me to be your wingman while you try to hook up with the waitress at the diner? Sure. You need to store your belongings at my apartment while you live as some rich lady’s boy toy? Okay. Time after time he does what Nikki asks and Nikki is a dick to him, teasing him about his shyness with women and his pet frogs, whining about how his things smell after being stored in Harry’s apartment, bossing him around. I was so happy when Harry began to stand up for himself. I feel like nothing good really happens for Harry, but I want to believe the last scene with him and Eva awkwardly staring at each other led to them getting together.

The hardest thing to believe about Harry is that women never approach him. He’s played by Sebastian Stan and this film wants us to believe he can’t catch a single woman’s attention? 

You mean to tell me THIS GUY can't attract a woman?!
Whatever you say, movie. (Source)

Yeah, okay. I get that he’s shy and quiet, but I guarantee there would still be a line of women hoping to break him out of his shell.

I know who I'd choose. However, I too am very shy. 
On the odd chance there was a mutual attraction
we'd probably stare awkwardly at each other forever.

While Harry is a stalwart and true friend to Nikki, Sebastian Stan gives him an undercurrent of being sick of Nikki’s shit. Its exhausting being Nikki’s best friend and Harry begins to let his irritation with Nikki show more and more with each scene they share. When Harry finally blows up at Nikki, the only one surprised is Nikki. 

Gif Source

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I was so proud of him here.
(Gif Set Source)

Harry could have been a one note character, and with another actor portraying him he might have been, but Sebastian Stan has such an attention grabbing presence even a rather boring and flat character on paper can feel like a real person.

Ashley Johnson shows up in the last act as Heather’s stoner roommate Eva who agrees to help Nikki in the cliché rom-com trope of chasing Heather down to prove his love for her. She’s bubbly and cute, providing a little bit of comic relief, but Ashley Johnson is what makes the character memorable.

While this is marketed as a sex comedy, I was absolutely not prepared for just how much sex there would be. The first half of the movie is mostly sex scenes with Nikki banging various women in Samantha’s house. There are a lot of naked women, with a very unexpected and graphic close up of Anne Heche full frontal being pleasured, and a few shots of Ashton Kutcher’s bare ass. It’s basically a soft-core porno with a minor amount of plot for the first forty minutes or so. How this managed an R rating is beyond me. 

At about the halfway mark the film switches gears and becomes more of a drama as Nikki’s reality begins to crumble. There is little to no comedy to be found.

The film seems to be trying to comment on the shallow, vapid lives of the wealthy and those who long for it, but the attempts fall flat. It focuses too much on Nikki and his conquests, spending so much time depicting him as an obnoxious douche bag the viewer can’t stand him and doesn’t care if he finds a way to win the girl and redeem himself. Women are all portrayed as gold diggers willing to give it up to any rich man or as lonely middle-aged women, who despite all their successes rely on young men to silence their insecurities by treating them as sexual objects. We’re nothing if men don’t want to have sex with us, don’t ya know?

The cinematography is nice with pretty shots of the LA skyline and the set for Samantha’s house, while too modern for my tastes, was still very beautiful. Aside from that and the few decent performances listed above, there’s nothing good about this movie. The plot is weak, the main character unlikable at best, and the rest only elevated by the aforementioned performances. Unless you’re a huge fan of one of the actors involved and insist on seeing everything they’ve ever been in, skip this one.

4/10