Jack-O (1995)

 

(AKA Jacko Lantern)

Directed by: Steve Latshaw

Starring: Linnea Quigley, Maddisen K. Krown (as Rebecca Quicks), Gary Doles, Ryan Latshaw, Catherine Walsh, Rachel Carter, Cameron Mitchell and John Carradine

Genre: Horror / Slasher / Horror-Comedy

Rated: R

During the early years of the twentieth century, sorcerer Walter Machen was lynched by the men of the Kelly family for his crimes of magic use and murder. At the time of his execution, Machen cursed the Kelly family, swearing a demon would rise up and take his revenge. Not long after, many of the Kellys are brutally murdered by said demon, but not before one of them is able to put an end to the creature’s rampage. Decades later, a group of partying teens unwittingly release this entity, now dubbed The Pumpkin Man, from its consecrated grave and it returns to its mission of vengeance upon the town. It is up to the descendants of both the Kelly and Machen clans to stop it once and for all.

I saw this as part of a cheesy horror triple feature at the Drive-In on Saturday night, and good Lord, it was terrible. This is bad in the “actually awful” sense, not the guilty pleasure or “so bad it’s good” way. My husband and I were able to riff on it enough to make it somewhat bearable, and there are some fun moments, but for the most part you’re not missing anything if you skip this one.

First and foremost, the acting is atrocious from almost everyone involved, the exceptions being Quigley and Carter as the Miller sisters. The child actors seem to be trying their best, but they are obviously very inexperienced and lacking proper direction. The casting of Ryan Latshaw as the young protagonist, Sean, feels like a bit of nepotism on the part of the director (they are father and son). Ryan is adorable but his performance is rather flat and lacks the energy and personality it takes to carry a film. The rest of the cast sound like they are simply running lines in the initial read through rather than performing actual takes while filming. Many lack any sort of inflection in their tone while reciting dialogue – like they are simply regurgitating statements robotically. Even veteran actor John Carradine appears to be phoning it in, although, to be fair, his scenes are stock footage from 1985, shot three years prior to his death in 1988, so he probably wasn’t at his best and likely thought the scenes would never be released. The actors playing the caricatures of the conservative couple and Rush Gingbaw (parody of Rush Limbaugh) seem to be having fun, at least.

The opening is weird, depicting Sean sitting by a campfire in the woods with a strange knife-wielding man insistent upon telling him a ghost story. 

 “Please, Mister, if I listen to your creepy story will you let me go home?” - My husband 

While it is never clarified, I believe the opening scene is one of many nonsensical dream sequences the film subjects the audience to throughout its short run-time. The man in this scene shows up again later as a very weird neighbor that cannot contain his obnoxious, maniacal laughter. Both this character and the first scene could have been cut entirely as they don’t add anything to the storyline. The movie probably could have opened with the original attack in the 1900s and done a time skip to present day, dropping the unnecessary beginning and character altogether.

The special effects are pretty laughable, but at least the film seems aware of this and appears to poke fun at itself in this department. From cartoonish lightning bolts and electric currents to an over-the-top burnt corpse one IMDb user described as a “flame broiled Muppet” and an obviously fake severed head that is gritting its teeth in a grimace,

This HAS to be a Knowing Wink, Right?

all effects seem to be a knowing wink to the audience that the filmmakers understand how cheesy they look. 

The deaths were also relatively silly, but at least entertaining. The Final Destination style death by toaster is hilarious, as well as an actor very obviously spitting fake blood out of his mouth when his character is supposed to be dead. That had to be intentional, right? If not, the editor is either really lazy or trolling the audience.

Toaster Death Complete with Terrible SFX

With deaths like those described above and the lackluster special effects, I suspected this had to be intended as a horror-comedy rather than a straight slasher flick. I had to dig and read other reviews to confirm this theory however, as both IMDb and the film’s Wikipedia page only list the genre as horror. Maybe the other reviewers and I are simply giving this film too much credit, but I will give the flick the benefit of the doubt and infer the comedy was intentional until I learn otherwise from a credible source.

Of course, as this is a low-budget B-Movie starring Linnea Quigley, she gives the expected nudity the target audience is looking for. She has a gratuitous shower scene that lingers heavily on her breasts and butt as she slowly washes herself. The scene has no point to the story and could easily have been cut, but obviously we need something to drag in an audience. There’s also a bonus topless scene from Rachel Carter, so there is plenty of nudity to appease the audience members attracted to women. It still doesn’t make the film worth watching. You can probably find screen caps, gifs and/or videos of these scenes via Google if you’re that desperate to see them.

I am surprised that the movie doesn’t fall victim to the “onscreen nudity and/or sex equals death” trope. Neither girl is “punished” for her sexuality, which is a nice change of pace in B-grade slashers. Sadly this doesn’t prevent them from being hit on by perverted middle-aged men, such as when Sean’s father tells him ‘You can look but you can’t touch’ while giving Carolyn an overt once-over – referring both to Sean’s interest in Jim’s motorcycle and his own interest in her. 

Gross! Like him being married is the only reason he can’t be with Carolyn and she would be interested at all. 

Bro, that’s Linnea-freaking-Quigley, you don’t stand a chance. Sorry, not sorry.

Carolyn's face says "I'm uncomfortably humoring you, Mr. Kelly."

Sean’s dad, David, certainly seems to consider himself quite the ladies man, which is a bit optimistic on his part, considering his average middle-aged appearance. He flirts with both Carolyn and Vivian, both of whom are far out of his league. He makes no attempt to hide this from his wife, and while she teases him about Carolyn as she’s aware he doesn’t stand a chance with her, his friendship with Vivian does make her suspicious. Vivian’s only interest in David is his heritage and the connection between their two families as she is a descendant of Walter Machen, and it will require them to work together in order to lay the killer demon to rest.

The characters themselves aren’t bad, but they are very one-dimensional. Sean seems like a sweet kid who always tries to do the right thing and both his parents seem like good people (with the exception of David’s wandering eye) who turn their garage into a haunted house each Halloween for charity. Carolyn is probably the most likable and well-rounded character, taking her job as Sean’s babysitter seriously and doing her best to protect him when they find themselves in the sights of The Pumpkin Man. The conservative couple neighboring the Kellys, Carolyn, and Vivian is nasty and annoying, though it is very obvious they are supposed to be, and it is pretty satisfying when we’re rid of them.

According to the Wikipedia page, per the audio commentary on the tenth anniversary DVD release, this film is supposed to be a statement on the “’political polarization and the culture war in 1990s America’ through its conservative suburbanite characters.” An attempt was definitely made, especially with what at the time would have seemed like over-the-top stereotypes of conservatives and the in-movie version of Rush Limbaugh they worship being contrasted with their charitable and loving neighbors. If this was released today, the right wing would definitely be decrying it as garbage created by the “woke left.” (We can agree that it is garbage, just not the reason why.) However, while the attempt at political/social commentary was made, it didn’t really succeed in actually saying anything. There are many great horror films that succeed in this area, but this is definitely not one of them.

This is a skippable attempt at a supernatural slasher horror comedy. The acting is bad even by B-movie standards, the effects subpar and the story bland. There are a few fun scenes and the typical nudity expected of a movie like this, but it’s nothing worth seeking out.

3/10

Devour (2005)

Directed by: David Winkler

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Shannyn Sossamon, Dominique Swain, Teach Grant, William Sadler, and Alan Ackles

Genre: Horror, Thriller, Supernatural, Occult

Rated: R

On his twenty-first birthday, Jake Gray's best friend signs him onto "The Pathway," an internet game where players provide their personal information and get calls from the game telling them to do things. Not long after Jake is signed into "The Pathway" things begin to take a turn for the worse, he loses his job, he begins to have violent visions depicting him harming his loved ones and himself, and his friends begin to die off. As things become progressively weirder, Jake becomes determined to find out what is behind the strange occurrences in town and the deaths of his friends. But Jake will soon find that sometimes the truth is better left untold.

Despite Jensen's numerous warnings at various conventions, this movie isn't as terrible as it could have been. I went into this expecting a disaster. What I got was a flawed, mediocre attempt at a thrilling occult story involving Satanism and devil-worship. Mr. Ackles and I may have different tastes as to what constitutes a terrible film, but after some of the horrible flicks I've sat through, this just rates as "meh."

The story seems to have a slight identity crisis. It starts off with the evil internet game seeming to slowly change the behavior of those who have signed in. It seems to prey upon the hidden secrets, insecurities or fears residing within the players and convinces them to do something about these things. Those that play the game begin to die at their own hands after committing a brutal act of violence. Of those playing, Jake is the only one who seems able to resist the game's coercion, enabling him to investigate what is really going on and discovering it has everything to do with a group of devil worshippers. All of this leading up to the slightly incestuous twist ending. I didn't mind the twist, but it could have been done without the incestuous aspect.

The acting was well-done. For it being his first feature film, Jensen Ackles carries the film well. I felt he did especially well in the scenes of conflict between him and his father, Paul, played by Jensen's real life father, Alan. The two work well together in displaying a strained father/son relationship that, to this fangirl's knowledge, does not exist between them in reality. 

For example, this scene: 

My only fault with Jensen's performance is the Luke Skywalker style "NOOOO!" he lets out at the end of the film upon discovering the last two victims. To someone who has seen this man nail numerous highly emotional scenes since the release of this film, this was a surprising acting choice on his part.

I thought Dominique Swain did a good job portraying the inner conflict of Dakota, a girl who comes off as "easy" but, the movie hints, is dealing with a history of sexual abuse by her father. She made Dakota sexy and silly with a sadness or a void lurking just beneath the surface. She made the character more than just the "token slut" and into someone I could easily care about. I wanted to get to know this character better, but aside from one scene in class, Jake's birthday celebration, the scene at the restaurant where she works, and a slightly hot but mostly awkward sex scene between Dakota and Jake, her character is mostly pushed to the side in favor of far less interesting characters. 

The rest of the performances weren't very noteworthy, even Shannyn Sossamon, who plays Jake's love interest and the closest thing to a leading lady this film has, was rather dull. Did her character, Marisol, and Jake make a cute couple? Yes. But, until the last ten minutes of the film, she's pretty bland. This is not the fault of the actress, the character was written poorly. An actress can only do so much with a bland script.

The characters themselves were pretty flat. Jake is a college student who works as a computer tech and hunts in his spare time. He frequently brings his paralyzed mother orchids at the nursing home, and frequently fights with his apparently ultra-religious father. Oh, and he's been suffering from disturbing visions that he cannot shake off. Still, he's not very interesting, and, truthfully, I probably wouldn't have cared much about him if he was played by a less talented actor.  

As described above, Dakota is by far the most interesting, while Marisol is probably the most boring. Marisol has one quirk, which is her hobby of reading tarot cards. Otherwise she's just a pretty nurse with laptop issues that catches Jake's eye one day and slightly aids him in his quest to solve the mystery of what is happening to his friends.

The one character I didn't really like at all was Conrad, Jake's best friend and, I think, also his cousin (I might be wrong on that one). Conrad is introduced with conflict - Jake has to confiscate a gun from him before he shoots a fellow classmate and that classmate's girlfriend. It is never explained why Conrad hates this classmate, Darius, so much, or why (Slight spoiler) he eventually kills Darius, other than "The Pathway" told him to do it. There is only one scene where Conrad and Jake act like real friends, the rest of the time, Conrad is either attacking Darius or going on about "The Pathway." Also, let's not forget, it's his fault Jake got sucked into the rabbit hole of "The Pathway," in the first place. Conrad, as an overall character, annoyed the hell out of me, and while Jake was devastated to see him go, I was not. 

 Since Conrad's conflict with Darius is never explained, I felt like the scene where he finally kills Darius should have been swapped out with Dakota's final scene.  Her reasons for doing what she does could be considered justified, and her crime is far more interesting in my opinion. Many would argue that the victim had it coming based on his treatment of her from the beginning of the film. The man was a sexual predator and needed to be taken out. However, despite her fully developed storyline, her crime and her death are committed off screen while Conrad's ill-defined storyline gets undeserved attention. 

What is not explained is why the only people that seem to be affected by "The Pathway" are Jake's two closest friends. Then ending explains why they were targeted specifically, as well as the others who meet their end within the film. However, it is stated that this game is popular, so why isn't there anyone else acting strange in town? No one else at Jake's college seems to have  succumbed to this strange behavior, nor any adults or teenagers in the neighborhood. I mean, I know this game is "elite" but you would think at least a few other people in town would have logged on and become fellow players. This plot could have developed into something far bigger, but the disappointing reveal of local devil worshippers being behind the entire thing kept the premise from spreading too far from the small town the film is set in.

The entire time I was watching this film I kept wondering why it was even called, Devour rather than The Pathway, which would have made more sense. I know this was technically answered in a brief, blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of a plaque in a church depicting a passage from the Bible with the word "devour" in it, but it still doesn't feel fitting to me. "The Pathway" is the initial cause of Jake's problems, and it is mentioned in the film far more than the word "devour," or the Bible verse briefly depicted. 

Overall, this film isn't as terrible as Jensen has been known to claim, but it isn't anything special either. It's a rather tame attempt at a tale of devil worship that mixes aspects of Stay Alive, The Ring, and The Omen into yet another mediocre entry in the horror genre. This is not really worth the watch unless you're a Jensen Ackles fan and want to see some of his work pre-Supernatural. If you are just curious about the sex scene, don't waste your time with the entire movie, Youtube has you covered:

You aren't missing much by skipping this one.

4.5/10

Trailer: 

Unfriended (2015)

A.K.A. Cybernatural

Directed by: Levan Gabriadze (as Leo Gabriadze)

Starring: Heather Sossaman, Courtney Halverson, Shelley Hennig, Moses Jacob Storm, Will Peltz, Renee Olstead and Jacob Wysocki

Genre: Horror, Thriller, Supernatural, Found Footage

Rated: R

It has been exactly one year since Laura Barns committed suicide; over a year since a humiliating video of her was released on the internet, leading to the constant bullying that drove her to such a drastic end. Now, six friends engaged in a video chat with each other are in for a night of terror as an anonymous caller joins their chat and begins tearing them apart. Secrets will be revealed, friends and lovers betrayed, and people will die as the anonymous user seeks the truth behind Laura's suicide.

While this isn't the greatest horror film in the world, I have to give it points for creativity. This film was shot entirely from the point of view of Blaire as we watch her computer screen. The viewer sees everything as Blaire sees it happening and I feel it puts the viewer in her position, feeling her tension, her fear, her helplessness. There is nothing she can do but watch as her friends are slowly picked off one by one.

I also liked that this film tried to be more than just a scary movie. It also tackled the issue of cyberbullying, something we as a society have been debating for the last few years now. I liked the message that if you are someone who would do and say such horrible things to another person over the internet that you should and will be punished. The bullies claim it was "only a joke" but, clearly, it was not a joke to Laura, who took their words very seriously.

While I found the movie tense and enjoyed the idea of it, the characters really brought it down in my opinion. Not a single character, including Laura, is very sympathetic, although Mitch and Ken seem a bit better than the rest. What is revealed about each of these characters as the film rolls on made me  hate the majority of them and I couldn't wait for them to be taken out.

There is very little to no gore, and what gore there is is shown in quick jump cuts so the audience barely sees anything at all. Each kill is accompanied by a loud boom in the score which creates a lame jump scare to accompany minimal gore and abbreviated death sequences. With the creativity that went into the format of the film, I would think that something would have been saved for the kill sequences, but they are relatively tame and a bit of a letdown from all the tension in the rest of the scenes.

Overall, this film is creative and interesting. The format is original and it has a good message against cyberbullying. This film definitely had potential, but unlikable characters, lame jump scares and a lack of gore weigh it down.

6/10

So Weird (1999-2001)

Genre: TV Show, Children/Family, Drama, Supernatural, Mystery, Adventure, Thriller

Rated: TV-Y7 – for children seven years and older.

Heralded by fans as The X-Files for kids, this Disney Channel Original Series follows a young girl, obsessed with the paranormal, as she travels the country with her musician mother. Along the way she encounters weird events, ranging from ghosts to aliens to mysterious creatures, and documents them all on her website, bringing the viewer along for the ride.

Season 1

Starring: Cara DeLizia, Patrick Levis, Erik von Detten, Dave ‘Squatch’ Ward, Belinda Metz, and Mackenzie Phillips

Guest Starring: Kyla Pratt and Chris Gibson

Fiona “Fi” Phillips is just your average teenage girl. She struggles with geometry, fights with her brother, and can shoot hoops with the boys like a natural. Oh, and she’s the daughter of a musician and lives on a tour bus with her mother, Molly, brother, Jack, and Jack’s best friend, Clu. She is also very interested in the paranormal, and runs a website dedicated to strange phenomena. Due to this interest, she seems to encounter strange occurrences wherever she and the band travel.

Fi encounters all sorts of weird things in the first season, ranging from ghosts to mythical creatures. I love how open-minded she is to whatever may be lurking around her, despite the skepticism of her watchful older brother. Once Fi catches the scent of something supernatural happening in her area, she works tirelessly until she solves the mystery, and doesn’t allow anyone to dissuade her from finding the truth.

This leads to her doing a lot of good, such as reuniting a ghost child with his dead parents, saving the life of a young woman who could leave her body at will, reuniting an old man with his lost dog, and leading a young woman out of a fourteen-year coma. It also leads to a possible negative reaction to her in the spirit world, which is hinted at by a spirit that possesses Jack in the season finale. It is made pretty clear that the next season is going to take a darker turn, and delve deeper into the supernatural realm, as well as reveal things Fi may not want to know about her father’s death.

Season one is a solid opener for the series. I love how each episode is prefaced with a little background of the content it is based on. Often times this provides a brief history lesson, either of events or theories, which are both interesting and educational to younger viewers, and since it’s narrated by Fi, the audience is more likely to pay attention and retain this knowledge, however minute it may be.

The characters introduced in the first season are also great. Fi is fantastic. I love how determined she is to seek out the truth. I love that she isn’t afraid to investigate, nor is she shy about interviewing people about weird phenomena, no matter how crazy they think she is. She’s smart and nerdy, but she’s cool, and I felt, at the time it aired, like I could relate to her. (Heck, I still feel that way rewatching it at twenty-five!)

 I enjoy the relationship between Fi and Molly, where there is mutual respect, support, and love at all times – even when Molly doesn’t believe Fi’s theories. Despite the unconventional lifestyle, Molly is still a great Mom, balancing support and fun with firmness and discipline. I feel that the show demonstrates a healthy parent/child relationship despite life on the road, and supports a loving family dynamic despite differences in beliefs.

I also like that Fi’s relationship with her older brother is complex. As a little sister, I know that it’s not always easy to deal with a protective older brother, especially when he also likes to tease you. It can get annoying, and Fi usually becomes fed up with Jack’s quips and skepticism pretty quickly. They fight often, with either Clu or Molly cutting in to keep the peace, but in the end, they love each other more than anything and will do anything to protect one another. The thought of losing Jack, despite his irritating behavior, is terrifying for Fi, as he is also her only ally, going along with her plans despite his disbelief in them. Throughout the season, there are a couple great emotional scenes between the siblings, especially in “Singularity” (Season 1, Episode 11) when Fi thinks she may be trapped in a wormhole forever, and in “Willow O’ the Wisp” (Season 1, Episode 13), when she saves him from the possessing spirit.

Lastly, I enjoy the character of Clu. He may come off as the typical dumb, comic relief character, but he does have a little depth to him. He also sees Fi as a little sister and is willing to protect her at all costs, when he’s not mindlessly following her into the fray. When there is a fight between Fi and Jack, Clu often lends a supportive ear to one of the siblings, and sometimes offers some decent advice. He’s silly and fun, and while not the brightest, he still can provide help when either Fiona or Jack need it.

Overall, the first season is smart, slightly creepy and well characterized. All of the episodes are interesting, ranging from slightly creepy to emotional dramas, however only two really stand out to me. The first of these is the episode, “Rebecca,” (Season 1, Episode 9) where Molly runs into a teenage girl who looks exactly like her childhood best friend who just disappeared on her one day. What Molly doesn’t know is that this girl is her long lost best friend Rebecca, the girl just doesn’t age normally. The ending is powerful, matched with a beautiful song about the friendship performed by Molly. I admit it, I caught myself tearing up, and I’m not ashamed to do so.

The second episode that really stands out is the season finale, “Willow O’ the Wisp,” due to its blend of comedy, horror and suspense. Patrick Levis nailed the performance, even pulling off a Scottish accent, mixing creepy smiles and slightly menacing lines with humorous bouts of hyperactivity. This episode introduced a recurring villain in the series, and indicated a darker turn for the series in the upcoming season.

6.5/10

Season 2

Starring: Cara DeLizia, Patrick Levis, Mackenzie Phillips, Erik von Detten, Belinda Metz, Dave “Squatch” Ward and Eric Lively

Guest Starring: Jewel Staite, Henry Winkler, The Moffats, Bo Diddley, Chris Gibson and MacKenzie Gray

The viewers rejoin Fi and her family on the road for another twenty-six episodes of investigating the paranormal. As alluded to in the previous season, things become a bit darker in Season Two, which delves deeper into the back story surrounding Fi’s father. Early in the season we see that Rick, Fi’s father, has reached out and attempted to communicate with both her and Molly. As the season wears on, Fi learns more about her father than she ever expected, and finally fills that void his death left within her.

The characters continue to develop well throughout the season. Fi and Jack still share that complex, love/annoyed relationship, and things get strained for a while between Molly and Fi, when an old friend of Molly and Rick’s reveals something about Rick that Fi wished she had known all along – a connection between them that makes her realize she’s not entirely alone in her weird interests.

Clu hangs around for the first few episodes, but leaves for college after Episode 7: Mutiny. In his place, the viewers are introduced to Cary, Clu’s older brother, who is a musician and a hopeless romantic, falling head over heels for almost every young woman he meets. A college drop-out, Cary is hired to be Molly’s guitar player, and thus fills the space Clu leaves in his wake. Cary becomes a bit of an older brother to both Jack and Fi, taking over Clu’s role as peace-maker between the two.

There are some great episodes in this season, making it a favorite among most fans. This season brought us some of the most memorable episodes, such as “Siren,” where Fi discovers that the talented young singer at the local club is actually a siren that has been forced into playing music against her will. Jewel Staite (of Firefly and Flash Forward fame) guest stars as the titular creature, bringing to life one of the most memorable one-shot characters in the series.

Next, we have the episode “Banshee,” where Fi has to face the spirit world in order to save her grandfather, and Molly has to mend her relationship with her father. The song she wrote for him seems to mend all wounds between the two, and the scene where Molly sings it to him is very moving. On that same note, the episodes “James Garr” and “Encore” are also very emotional, one involving a relationship Jack forms with an old man dying of lymphoma, the other depicts a ghostly duet between Molly and Rick. Lastly, the season finale, “Twin,” gives Fi the closure she needs regarding her father.

There are some weak points to this season as well. The episodes “Oopa,” “Troll,” and “Shelter” while entertaining, feel like mostly filler between the stronger episodes. They had fun or interesting premises, but no real follow-through, leaving either an interesting foundation for what could have been a great episode/story arc, or comedic fluff. Also, there is a continuity gap between episodes “Strange Geometry” and “Fall,” where Fi is supposed to be angry with Molly, but it is never mentioned “Fountain,” the episode between the two. So Fi goes from being mad, to fine, to mad again in a span of three episodes. It’s a minor detail, but I found it a little jarring.

Overall, a very strong season with a few minor missteps; it is understandable why so many fans claim this is the best season out of the three. It’s darker, creepier and more emotional than the first, and carries a story arc, where the first had more of a monster-of-the-week style. The characters are more developed and the majority of the episodes interesting. Season two only builds from the foundation that Season One laid out.

7/10

Season Three

Starring: MacKenzie Phillips, Patrick Levis, Eric Lively, Belinda Metz, Dave “Squatch” Ward, and Alexz Johnson

Guest Starring: Cara DeLizia, Erik von Detten, Emily Hart, Samantha Ferris, and Chris Gibson

In the season premiere, the viewers join Fi on one last weird adventure before she passes her ring (and with it, all things weird) to her new friend, Annie. Fi decides to stay with her Aunt Melinda in Seattle, opting for the normal teenage life, and Annie joins Molly and the gang on tour.

This season is probably the least popular out of the three, with many fans declaring it the point where Disney began to change for the worse (going for triple threat talents, every show having to involve singing, etc.). I don’t entirely agree with that sentiment – it is definitely different than the previous seasons, but I don’t necessarily consider that a bad thing.

Season Three is a lot lighter than the previous seasons, both in content and set décor. The sets are much brighter, painted with vivid colors, and Annie’s wardrobe is much more colorful than what Fi once wore. Molly sells the house depicted in the earlier seasons, for one with a lighter, brighter feel. Even the school Jack and Annie attend is brightly colored.

As for content, there aren’t any dark undertones running through this season. Almost every episode has a happy ending, and the weirdness is rarely as dangerous as the kind Fi once encountered. Still, this season contained some of the episodes that stuck with me most from the entire series, including “Detention,” “Banglebye,” “Pen Pal,” “Voodoo,” “A Grave Mistake,” and “Annie’s Song.”

I really liked the character of Annie and I’m glad she joined the show. While I think it would have been cool for her and Fi to have worked together and become best friends, Disney had its reasons for that not happening. (It would have made a great Season four, in my opinion, but at this time, Disney was putting a 65 episode limit on all Original Series.) Still, I think, and I know I’m in the minority here, that Annie did a great job taking the reins and carrying the show. She’s a bit more skeptical than Fi was, but often cannot help acknowledging that something supernatural is happening around her. She quickly forms a sibling-like bond with Jack and Cary, and seems to infatuate Clu early on, before becoming good friends with him. Her main passion, and one of the reason many fans don’t like her, is her music – she does have a great voice, and Molly mentors her as a blossoming performer. (As mentioned above, many fans pin point Annie as the character that started the annoying Disney trends of today.)

I also really enjoyed Annie’s backstory, which is fully explained in the episode, “Annie’s Song.” The season uses a lot of Native American folklore for a few of the episodes, as well as to address the truth behind Annie’s constant companion, the Panther.

The character development of the original cast keeps going strong. Molly is still a great Mom, able to balance touring, performing and raising kids – including one that she’s taken on as a favor for a friend (Annie). Jack is still skeptical of all things paranormal, but begins to find his passion by the end of the season. Clu and Cary remain pretty much the same as they’ve always been, with Clu making a lot of trips from college to visit the gang.

I really liked that, despite Fi being out of the show, the writers made sure not to forget about her. They have Annie correspond with Fi regarding the weird things she encounters, and have Fi as Molly’s main influence in getting home for Thanksgiving. Jack also misses Fi terribly and often references her in his talks with Annie.

The one thing I didn’t like about this season is that it did seem to ignore plot points from the prior episodes. For instance, in the episode “Talking Board,” Jack talks about a girl at school that he has a crush on, never once alluding to Gabe, the girl he’d had a long distance relationship with over the past two seasons. It’s almost as though Gabe was forgotten, which bothered me, because at the end of season two, Jack was still very much in love with her. Also, in the episode, “Dead Ringer,” Molly mentions that she, Fi and Jack lived in a particular house in the neighborhood she and Annie are exploring, when in the previous seasons, they had lived in their home all their lives. The house that the family lived in in seasons one and two was the house shown in Jack’s flashback of the night his father died in Season Two’s episode, “Nightmare.” These inaccuracies may only have caught my attention due to the fact that I binge-watched the series recently, but they were glaring to me. It felt like these plot points were being ignored to force the story forward in the belief that the viewer wouldn't notice.

Overall, I enjoyed this season, and I disagree that it is the worst of the series or that it was the beginning of the Disney Downfall. I think Annie is a great, interesting character with a fun background, and thought she was a great addition to the current cast. I would have liked to see more Fi and Annie together, but understand that was never in the cards. My only qualm with this season is the inaccuracies/ignorance of details from prior episodes.

7/10

This was one of my favorite shows growing up, and I found while rewatching it recently, that it still holds up relatively well. I think both Fi and Annie are great characters for young girls to follow – they’re independent, intelligent, witty and fun, and they never back away from doing the right thing. While they do care a little about their appearances and having friends, they would rather be intelligent, good people than popular and pretty. They are passionate about their interests, and aren’t afraid to venture into the unknown to solve a strange mystery.

I loved that the show depicts how a family can function just fine on the road, and also that family doesn’t end with blood. Ned, Irene, Cary, Clu and Annie are treated just like family to the Phillips clan, and it is obvious that these folks would do anything for each other, despite how weird it might seem. I feel this is always a great message to transmit to kids. You don’t have to live like everyone else to be normal, and family doesn’t end with blood.

The storylines were great as well. I feel this is a great introductory show for the scarier versions available for adults. Kids get a small look into the world of horror and sci-fi without being truly frightened. It also offers the closure of family love and happy endings.

Lastly, the soundtrack is fantastic. MacKenzie Phillips has a great voice and the songs she sings for the show are both catchy and a little haunting. Alexz Johnson’s contributions in Season Three are mostly of the Pop variety, while Phillips’s are more light rock, but they are fun to listen to – though they needn’t auto-tune Johnson’s voice so much. Also, in Season Three, Patrick Levis sings a beautiful lullaby while his character, Jack, is babysitting a toddler. I feel all of these songs should be compiled on an official soundtrack, and that it should be released to the general public.

I do agree with many fans that this show is superior to many shows available for kids today. It is a fun, slightly educational ride into the paranormal, with strong female leading ladies as your guides. A definite must-watch if you can get your hands on it.

Overall Series Rating:  7/10

Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

AKA: "Hollywood Meatcleaver Massacre" and "Morak"

Directed by: Evan Lee

Starring: Christopher Lee, Larry Justin, J. Arthur Craig, James Habif, Robert Clark, Bob Mead, and Doug Senior

Rated: R

Genre: Horror, Slasher, Supernatural

There has been an attack on the Cantrell home. Home invaders have severely injured Professor Cantrell and murdered the rest of his family. Now, the professor and acclaimed occult researcher lies unconscious in a hospital bed, his soul summoning an ancient demon, Morak the Avenger, to bring justice down upon the perpetrators. He knows who they are, and they will pay with their lives.

The title of this film is very misleading. There are no deaths related to a meat cleaver. In fact, there aren’t really any interesting deaths at all. There is no gore to speak of, and the violence happens so quickly, the viewer isn’t even sure what is happening. When we are dealing with characters as despicable as the guys in this film, the deaths should be long, drawn out, creative, and gory, not blink-and-you-miss-it or leaving you wondering what just happened.

The editing is very choppy, jumping around sporadically throughout a scene, and often splicing two different scenes together, confusing the viewer. For example: we see Dirk slam against a mirror, bleeding (orangey colored blood!), then we see him sitting in a chair lost in thought, then we’re back to him and the bloody mirror, then the chair again. Then there’s the whole scene where Dirk is contemplating suicide, about to slit his wrist, then realizes he’s late for work, so he decides against it. Really? Couldn’t we have left that ridiculous scene out? Did it do anything for the story?

The lighting in the film is terrible. There are many scenes, especially when a death is about to occur, and the entire climax, where it is hard to see anything at all. It was difficult to discern what actually happened in the final moments of the climax, I’m still not entirely sure about the events that unfolded.

It is really hard to get into a film when you don’t like the characters. The only decent one is the Professor, everyone else is either annoying, disgusting or boring. I can’t feel scared for characters I do not care about. I felt the home invasion could have been a very suspenseful, intense scene, but the film plows on through it, leaving the viewer thinking, “Well, that happened.” Those were characters the audience could have gotten behind and rooted for, but instead we don’t even know their names. Meanwhile, the audience is subjected to the annoying repartee of Sean, Dirk, Phil and Mason, the morons behind the Cantrell murders – and don’t even get the satisfaction of seeing them die brutally.

The only thing this film has going for it is the appearance of horror legend, Christopher Lee, bookending the crappy schlock. Lee discusses interesting supernatural occurrences that slightly relate to what the professor was teaching in class. These anecdotes are more interesting than anything else the flick has to offer. I’m not sure why such a legend would appear in such bland dreck, but even he could not save it.

Overall, this is a boring supernatural slasher with unlikable characters and terrible lighting and editing. It’s not worth your time.

3/10

The Haunting (1963) Vs. The Haunting (1999)

The Haunting (1963)

Directed by: Robert Wise

Starring: Julie Harris, Claire Bloom, Richard Johnson, Russ Tamblyn, Rosalie Crutchley, Lois Maxwell, and Valentine Dyall

Genre: Horror / Psychological Thriller

Based on the Novel “The Haunting of Hill House” by Shirley Jackson

"Hill House ... had stood there for eighty years and might stand there for eighty more ... and whatever walked there, walked alone."

Following the plot of the 1959 novel, three people are invited to take part in a paranormal study with Dr. Markway (Richard Johnson) at a secluded mansion with a reputation called Hill House. Along for the adventure are Eleanor “Nell” Lance (Julie Harris), a woman with deep rooted insecurities who longs for acceptance; Theodora (Claire Bloom), an eccentric, sexually ambiguous, confident woman; and Luke Sanderson, a playboy who stands to inherit the house in the future. Theo and Nell were selected by Dr. Markway because they exhibited a history with the paranormal. Nell has had “poltergeist phenomenon” occur around her, or possibly because of her – it is hinted she has telekinetic powers. Theo is thought to have ESP, or at the very least to be incredibly perceptive. Luke is just along to make sure no harm comes to the property, and he seems fairly skeptical about any paranormal phenomenon that has occurred within the house. They soon discover that they are not alone in Hill House as strange and horrifying (for them) things begin to happen. It becomes clear that the house wants Nell, and is determined to have her. But is the house really haunted, or is Nell unknowingly making these things happen?

What I loved most about this movie was how true it stayed to the classic novel. The film opens with the same lines as the novel does, and ends with the same poetic lines. They kept most of the major unsettling moments from the novel and they translated well onto the screen. The pounding and writing on the walls, ghostly touching, etc. was all made believable. I also liked that they kept the lesbian subplot between Theo and Nell in the film, as well as keeping it as subtle as it was in the novel. (In the 1950s and ‘60s, homosexuality was still a very taboo topic, so anything dealing with it had to be subtle.) There are hints throughout the film that Theo has a thing for Nell, and she is very ambiguous about her personal love life. (Ex: she lives with a ‘partner’ whose gender is never specified in both the novel and the film)

However, the name changes seem unnecessary – in the novel Eleanor’s last name was Vance and the doctor’s last name was Montegue. This is more of a nitpicky detail than anything, though. Also, they changed the character of the doctor’s wife from a woman who thought she could communicate with the spirits of Hill House to a woman who was highly skeptical and even challenged the house’s ghostly phenomenon. Granted, the movie character was far less annoying than her novelized counterpart, but I would have preferred that they remained true to the story. She was a great antagonist to everyone involved in the study, including the doctor himself.

As far as the components of the film go – it was very well-done. The atmosphere was perfect – it gave off that creepy, claustrophobic vibe necessary for ghost stories to take root in the viewer. Yet at the same time, the sets were beautiful. The suspense element was a major factor in the success of this movie – we never actually see the ghosts that haunt Hill House, just hear them and see the aftermath of their antics. The viewer is always wondering what will happen next, if everything is really happening or if Nell is just crazy.

 The acting was pitch-perfect, each character brought to life as if they’d walked right out of the book. (Minus the changes in Mrs. Markway of course) Nell is hard to take in places. Her character can be very annoying. However, she isn’t meant to be likable. I felt sorry for her because she was so socially awkward and had never really had a mature, mutually respectful relationship with anyone. She was incredibly needy in her longing for a connection – trying to find one with Theo and with Dr. Markway. Julie Harris did a wonderful job depicting Nell’s socially awkward ways as well as her decent into madness without coming off as campy or cheesy. Claire Bloom was graceful and lovely as Theodora, but she could also be nasty when the scene called for it. Richard Johnson gave off a very Vincent Price-like air as Dr. Markway and Russ Tamblyn’s Luke was charming and playful, if a little greedy and self-involved. Each character was on screen as they were written in the novel, which is something hard to come by in book-to-film adaptations.

Overall: A definite classic film with great atmosphere, a few scares, and great acting. It is true to its source material and does the novel justice, bringing it to life on screen. Both this film and the novel are highly recommended.

8/10

The Haunting (1999)

Directed by: Jan de Bont

Starring: Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta Jones, Owen Wilson, Lili Taylor

Genre: Horror / Supernatural

Rated: PG-13

Loosely Based on the Novel “The Haunting of Hill House” by Shirley Jackson.

The plot is similar to that of this film’s [superior] predecessor: three people, Eleanor or “Nell” (Lili Taylor), Theo (Catherine Zeta Jones) and Luke (Owen Wilson) are invited to Hill House to participate in a study on insomnia conducted by Dr. Marrow (Liam Neeson). What they don’t know is that Dr. Marrow is employing the old “bait-and-switch” method – the patients think he’s studying their insomnia, but he’s really doing a study on fear – and Hill House definitely provides them with plenty of that. Upon the first night there, the banging noises begin, and events progressively intensify. Once again, it becomes clear that the house wants Nell, but for a reason far different from the original film. As Nell descends into madness, she believes that she must protect the ghosts of the house as she begins to unravel the mystery of why Hill House is haunted.

I remember seeing this film at about thirteen or fourteen, and thinking it was rather bland. Now, having a lot more movie knowledge and knowing that it was spawned from two far superior works, I’ve come to truly dislike it. The back-story of Hill House was completely changed from that of the novel and original film – the only similar element is the name of the man who built it. While in the novel and original film it was proposed that the house was just “born bad,” in this version there is a rather clichéd and ridiculous explanation for the haunting that trivialized the original ideas behind the story. The idea that it may also be in Nell’s mind or of her own creation is also dropped entirely, losing another aspect of depth that the original story had.

The dialogue was uninspired and barely varied from character to character. The only dialogue that remained the same in all three versions was Mrs. Dudley’s (housekeeper) speech about when she sets the meals on the table and how she will not stay after it begins to get dark – consequently the only decent lines in the film. Also, the characters have changed. Theo is now a blatant bisexual, who not only states this fact, but also flirts with both Nell and Luke. (The lesbian subplot raises its head, but is swept over and nearly forgotten by the end of the film.) Luke is no longer the handsome, charming, playboy heir, but just another hapless insomniac with a goofy demeanor. And what is with the constant changing of the doctor’s last name?

The doctor’s wife is no longer a character at all. She doesn’t exist in this reality. Instead she is replaced by two pointless characters - Mary and another assistant to the doctor – both of whom have maybe two to five minutes of wasted screen time. They were completely unnecessary to the plot and could have been left out altogether. Mary’s injury and the death of one of the main four characters seem to have been added for shock value, but were also unnecessary.

The acting in this is rather wooden considering the all-star cast. Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta Jones have both been up for Oscars and have clearly proven themselves as incredibly talented. Owen Wilson has a great sense of humor and comedic timing – his is probably the most natural performance out of all of them as his character is similar to many others in his career. Lili Taylor’s performance is solid at first, but becomes a little campy as she gets more involved in the mystery behind Hill House. Catherine Zeta Jones exudes sex appeal and glamour, but she doesn’t really seem to care about her character, and there were times when it felt like Liam Neeson was wondering what the hell he was doing there.

The sets were nice, though a little over the top. Considering this was supposed to be a manor built in the 1800s, I find it hard to believe there would be a carousel-like ballroom floor and a hallway comprised of water, requiring stepping stones to cross. While these elements were beautiful, they were unrealistic to me and took away from the rest of the house, which was actually a very realistic portrayal of an 1800’s manor-style home.

This film is praised for its use of special effects, but I can only wonder why. Some of them were decent, but for the most part, they were made up of really bad CGI. Projected faces in pillows, obviously fake moving wooden carvings, and clearly computer generated smoky ghosts do not scare me – they are rather annoying. The effects were overdone and used way too frequently. I guess de Bont didn’t get the memo that sometimes less is more. Apparently, if you have a great sound system hooked up to your home television, the sound effects are amazing, but I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing them, nor to I believe they could save this lack-luster, effects ridden effort.

Overall: This could have been a decent film. With today’s technology and the star-studded cast this should have been a lot better than what was delivered in the final product. Too much CGI and terrible writing downgrade this film from what it could have been.

4.5/10